When one or both members of a
romantic union feel positively about themselves, or have high self-esteem,
romantic bliss becomes less elusive. When you and your partner’s self-images
are positive, your sex life improves, conflict becomes easier to
resolve, you live more in the moment with one another, and are more supportive
of each other’s goals. Here are 4 ways to work on your self-esteem
in your romantic relationship.
1. Know your preferences.
If you have not done the work to
understand yourself—your emotions, your desires, your needs—then no one else
will understand you. Instead of a mutual relationship, you will find yourself
getting pulled in various directions. These influences may be exerted by people
who do not reflect your identity or may not be in your best interest.
If you find yourself always going with the flow and being accommodating, pause
and reflect on what you like and don’t like. Spend time alone, mindfully paying
attention to your emotions and internal states in your body. Ask yourself
questions about what you feel and what you like. If the answers to these
questions don’t come immediately, be patient. Take time for this type of
reflection each day. And when your partner asks about your preferences—for
example “where would you like to go for dinner”—resist the impulse to defer.
Pause and search inward, see if you can communicate your authentic preference.
2. Stick to your guns.
If two people are truly close,
conflict is inevitable. When self-esteem is an issue, caving and deflecting
become ways to manage conflict. Over time, your partner will lose respect for
you and you will feel that you have little power. When facing conflict in your
romantic relationship, stick to your guns. If you are constantly trying to help
your partner feel better, then you will lose your perspective. Repeatedly bring
the conversation back to your point of view. This doesn’t mean you should be
rigid. Do listen to your partner’s perspective and show compassion but do not
sell yourself out in the process. This may look something like: “I hear
you and I understand you are angry, but I have to feel as if I can trust you in
order to feel safe in this relationship,” or “I understand you have a lot going
on with work, but I need to feel I can depend on you.”
3. Maintain a life separate from your
romantic relationship.
Perhaps more than any other variable,
self-esteem becomes lower the more your entire identity is wrapped up in your
partner and your relationship. This turns what may have started as romance into
dependence. Dependency is not sexy and will make you feel extremely vulnerable
whenever conflict arises in your relationship. In addition, no one person can
meet all of our needs. Actively pursue activities outside of your relationship.
Force yourself to spend some time each weekend with friends or pursuing hobbies
separate form your partner. When you create a fulfilling life both inside and
outside of your relationship, then you will find yourself less vulnerable, more
able to share your preferences and more able to stick to your guns in your
romantic union.
4. Be physically active with your
romantic partner.
Research shows that couples who enjoy
physical activities together are happier, more content and resolve conflict
more easily. Being physically active together, simultaneously promotes both you
and your partner’s self esteem. When you both feel good about yourselves at the
same time, happiness soars and it becomes easier to more expediently
resolve conflict. Take on a physical hobby together—camping, hiking, and
running, dog walking. Regularly be active together and you will both see the
immediate rewards in terms of your sense of self and self-esteem.
Even if a pattern of low self-esteem
describes you, there is a way out. I describe in my workbook, Building
Self-Esteem-5 Steps, specific strategies for how to overcome this
inclination, and also how to start attaching with healthy romantic partners.
Article by Jill Weber, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice in Washington,
D.C., and the author of The Relationship Formula
Workbook Series, including Toxic Love—5 Steps: How to Identify Toxic Love Patterns and
Find Fulfilling Attachments, Breaking Up and Divorce—5 Steps: How
to Heal and be Comfortable Alone and Building Self-Esteem—5 Steps: How to Feel 'Good Enough.' For more,
follow her on Twitter @DrJillWeber and on Facebook, or visit drjillweber.com.
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